Lately I've been taken advantage of my health care's outpatient mental health coverage, also known as therapy. Part of why I've been a little easy on the posts of late is because of the over self-reflection already going on in with it. What really goes on in therapy is kind of weird. The whole second time I went the therapist tried to blame the fact that I am hard on myself when I make mistakes on my parents spanking me. I guess that is kind of like me photocopying pages from a workbook, its a half ass job, but technically I'm still doing what I get paid for. This last time I tried to convince that my parents spanked me all of three times total and though I know it will keep coming up we did get off the topic.
The topic we came to was life purpose. Its hard to say 'we' came to anything when I'm doing all the talking. I have had since high school this goal to be the best person I could be. I chose my career because I knew it would challenge me more than any other. I chose where I'm working because I thought it would make the most difference. When I think about my career I plan on receiving a high paying position based on the fact that I will work hard to be the best in the world on my little corner of education and get a job that way.
This idea goes up against the larger more significant goal of providing my kids the same kind of lifestyle that I was provided with. For my kids to do this I am going to need a certain amount of money and access to a wide variety of opportunities. I think that being a teacher is not going to be enough money. The idea of me switching to a sick education job, like phd candidate or principal, is hard to imagine when I suck like I do at my job. The chances I have of getting a sick non-teaching job diminishes as I get another day further away from my college experience, and I get closer to the age where you can't just up and go back to school.
So it sucks I'm torn between two futures, and its hard no to fear winding up falling between them. One one hand I could stay in teaching and become awesome (ideal) Start my own series of successful series before handing over the oliver preparatory school to my grandsons. Although if I fall short I become a thirty five year old stuck in a job I suck at waiting for retirement. One the other hand I could leave teaching in a year or two, satisfied with my personal growth, and get another job, maybe phd in education related stuff, maybe lawyer, maybe stock broker, shit....maybe president. If I fall short of this I wind up in some corporate or university cubicle chuggin away at paper work and waiting for retirement.
Its hard to tell what I should do, its obvious to me though that if I was more of a confident teacher there would be no issue at all. However becoming a better teacher is kind of like becoming a better masturbator, you don't really have to do it to keep getting what you want, and if you work really hard at improvement its hard to find help with improvement. In fact most people think you're weird just for trying to improve.
1 comment:
that was GREAT. I quoted you.
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