So there I am, a sack of candy nestled next to a textbook on top of lectern is infront of me, A class of 26 high school juniors is infront of me. And here in this moment, when the draw of the candy has ran out, and the students were all looking at me for something, did I realize I should be a teacher. It wasn't in studying the material in college, or going to grad school 5 years later, that I developed any draw for this profession. In fact today after teaching for 3 years I still don't have any real big draw for this job, although there is some inklings of determination in a captain ahab sort of way. The thought that I had when I was a high school senior trying to teach a class was "I am going to have to be a much better person than I am now in order to do this job." The challenge of being that better person is what drew me here, and is what I am still working on today.
I am not the person I need to be in order to be a good teacher. I like to tell myself that occasionally, especially during the summers, when I am talking to friends from home, when I talk to people who aren't teachers. However, when I sit down to plan the next days lesson, when I go talk to the other teachers who are actually doing the damn thing, when I actually get up in front of the kids it seems clear to me and to everyone that I am not the man I need to be. I am not (arguably) a bad teacher, but I know I'm not the teacher I envision. I would not want to have had me, especially not the me from first year of teaching. Too often I go home regretting decisions I made, and the standards I hold for myself and my classroom. My regrets as a teacher are more profound when you consider that I have nothing else in my life to concern myself with but this classroom. It speaks to my ability to focus, and to my ability to use the time I have, and my ability to prioritize what to focus on and for how long.
I know more than enough math, I have no problem hanging out with kids, I have great public speaking abilities, I am really good at producing lessons, so why am I still writing this? Shouldn't my performance in the classroom be good, or at least good enough, or good enough for me to blame the parts that aren't good enough on my surrondings? Well I hate people who say things are good enough or blame it on the kids, its too easy. Its harder to say the problem is with me, and that I need to change, and then to go and change it. The change I need to make is not exactly clear, and I still am not sure exactly what combination of things I need to do to be satisfied with my job. I am not sure I will every figure it out, I am sure that todays challenges will seem trivial to whatever will happen tomorrow. The person I think I need to become would have to be someone who is adaptable enough to make the personal chagnes and sacrifices necessary no matter what. Right now I need to be working on organizing and focus, next year I might have to learn spanish, the year after that I might have to learn how to program C++. The person I want to be at the end of this teaching experience is able to do the best job possible regardless of circumstances.
2 comments:
i know it seems like the easy way, but im not kidding when i say you have to let up on yourself. forgive the small mistakes. perfection is an ideal, and ideals are impossible to attain. that's why they're ideals in the first place. so much goes into teaching on a daily basis that it's impossible for it ever to be perfect. maybe you'd think you were a better teacher if your kids were less unruly. if they cared more.
the struggle of a teacher is the struggle of governments the world over: how do you impose a system of social control that people will accept?
life is chaos. it always has been. moments of calm are vacations from history and reality which deserve to be cherished if for nothing else than their rarity.
you can't take your inability to impose order and control over others as a personal failing. it isn't. ive always thought a teacher's task is a largely thankless one, especially when adolescents are involved, and your experiences only reinforce that belief.
hang in there man. just remember not to sweat the small stuff.
That is the exact same reason I got into teaching. I think there are only two possible answers to the question of what to do with one's life, and those are Fun and Making the World A Better Place. It took me 23 years to get past fun, and here I am.
To make the world a better place, one must first make themselves a better person. To gain the knowledge to know where to invest your energy, and the confidence to do so.
Self-improvement is (according to Maslow) the only enjoyable feeling that does not have diminishing returns. It is not a joy that diminishes as one satisfies the need, such as hunger (and nearly everything else), but one that actually feels better the more one engages in it. For me, I need a reason for self-improvement, or I revert back to fun, and teaching is that perfect reason. Getting girls works as a reason also, but it doesn't last as long. Learn So You Can Teach is a pretty damn good life-story.
The other point I should make, and I'm sure Barry agrees with me, is that you are definitely a teacher I'd like to have. The fact that you are fighting to make yourself a better person is all the reason I need.
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