New Years Resolution

My new years, for the first time ever, exactly as I've always dreamed. Getting to third base in the bathroom of a house party with a girl who had rolls of fat by the handful. There's no way you can go wrong with a year that starts off like that. I suppose I should give some resolutions for the year. This is the year to take time to announce goals and dreams for the next year, and I decided to take mine very seriously. With me being 25 years now there is no excuse for mediocrity, or tomfoolery. It is time to accelerate my life, and my first step is with these resolutions.

1. During a staff meeting insert the phrase "rock out with your cock out" with no one thinking it innappropriate.

2. Bring a casio keyboard and a coffee can and sing to pedestrians on the street with a sign saying "when I get $10 in change, I'll stop

3. Stop doing anything wrong

4. Start being perfect

5. Build a house (or a condo)

6. Get in a conversation at the bar with someone that changes their life, preferably a politician, a hobo, or a former SNL actor.
*Bonus: If I get good at this I have to swing it into being an oprah spinoff like dr. phil, talking to people about their problems

7. Make out with an even fatter girl (3+ chins)

8. Be world renown in one thing, (perhaps thumb wrestling, flip cup, and/or being the first to officially announce that the globe is warm)

9. Call mom more

10. Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

These are alot of work, but unlike most people, I am willing to put that work in.