Strength

The prototypical man is strong because he puts emotion aside when it is time to get the job done. Perhaps like women and their nearly universal desire to be skinny, this idea of manhood pervades all men across the country and probabaly the world. Currently men can take on "women's work," Men can dress metro sexually, and alot of what defines masculinty is changing, but for me at least, the idea of "Men don't cry" has seemed to resonate with me. No one can not be without emotion, or be so strong that everything is easy to cope with. But anyone can appear to be emotionless. by separating themselves from the difficulty of reality and focusing their attention on somenthing mental they can prevent themselves from showing the signs of the emotions they would have were they really mentally present.
When I heard the news about my Grandma's passing my goal was to have this strength, mentally. It was very easy to sort of hide behind my job as there is plenty to hide behind. Report cards are due, and the principal has been gone for a month and a half. It is also easy to try to hide behind meaningless activity. I remember spending my whole afternoon the next day looking for suits so I could do something responsible. I felt more responsible a little later when I spent 15 minutes chatting with my aunt about grandma and about the death of her husband. The constant mental barrage of thoughts and ideas going on in my head doesn't help either. Staying mentally present is a chore, I can't talk on the phone without reading a magazine, I can't eat without watching tv, I can't read a book unless I'm on the train or doing something else. But I had no choice. I had to face this, I'm too old to put my hands over my eyes and peak between my fingers.

Matrix Revolutions was a horrible, horrible, horrible movie, but I can't say I wasted my $8 watching it because there was one good part. There is a moment where neo and trinity drive their space ship above the clouds and see this beautiful sunset. There was a sunset just like that on my flight out of laguardia, and I remembered the movie and how peaceful that little sunset scene was in the movie. Of course neo and trinity crash land leaving trinity dead and neo blind, while I landed and ate with my brother before checking into a nice motel with wireless internet so it wasn't really a comparison of the situation. But in the movie the two were running from all this shit or whatever when this unexpected beautiful sunset made them stop and smile for a moment. When we rolled into my grandma's old house it looked like my uncle had a bender and left a collection of forty and pint bottles and a bottle of "libido-max" in the kitchen. We began cleaning up this mess before my parents arrived, who when they arrived started cleaning up. Shortly after they arrived my uncle showed up looking like a man in need of some foregiveness. He started cleaning but not before my dad showed him some bills saying "we'll talk about this later." This was a nice intro to a very sober and somber weekend. Through out it all I tried my best to stay present, to take it all in with my eyes open. We had to support each other, especially my father who was visibly stressed out up until before the cars came to take us to the church. The ceremony was very fitting, very sad, and very well done. I would catch myself imagining a trip I could send my parents, or something else, before snapping myself back to attention. It is difficult to face the reality of losing a grandparent, your last grandparent, and to face it head on, without flinching, regarless of the number of tears shade in the process, takes enormous strength.
Since then I have tried to shift my perception of strength, and manhood, to sort of face other problems head on. I haven't drank since she passed and I probably won't until after thanksgiving. I have tried to permanently stop my nervous habit of scratching by putting a quarter in a jar when I catch my self doing it (I put over $20 in during the first day). Hopefully if I can handle these little things I can start doing more things to start getting my life together.