Getting hit by the wall

I think I have spent little more than 3 hours outside of my aparment this year, and that includes the two hours I spent hollering at girls during the waning moments of a new years party. Usually I spend as many waking hours in my apartment as I did in my high school locker room, but this year was different. I started off cleaning everything, the bathroom, the bedroom, the hallway (eg. my entire apartment) and then organizing what I had left over. As I was finishing up with this I started to look at the emails sent to me from the instructional leader at my school. No sooner were they open than they were closed and I was back to cleaning again. Today I woke up determined to get started on those, and I instead refigured the hallway into a dart playing area, folded some clothes went to the store, and played games of darts solo intermittently. On the off chance that school, teaching, and whatever came into my head I would either
a. convince myself that I would get to the emails and the planning, and the fast approaching mid-term grades shortly,
or, b. nervously scratch, pace, or put my head down as these thoughts of my innadequacy, unhappiness, and my pathetic life flood my brain and keep me from getting anything done
I try to fight through it, but often wind up avoiding whatever work has to get done by putting this whole thing off for later. I am looking and hoping that I will figure out a way around this, and that I will continue to do (this blog is the latest attempt). What is weird is that I didn't really feel this way over the past christmas break. The only thing close was a breif pause after I was asked "how's teaching in New York going?" Other than that I was going about life as if I had nothing but relaxing on the otherside of tonights sleep (or deprivation).

This is the part where I put the positive spin on this, where I will look tommorrow at the end of a nice day of seeing all of my students smiling, and whining faces as they try to act like they don't want to be in school. Yes, there is a very real chance that this will keep up, as it has earlier in the year. That this wall of discouraging thought will impede my planning leaving me with nothing but seat of my pants to do for the day. That I will be afraid once again to punish kids for expulsion-worthy misdoings because I personally side with the student versus the administration. Worst of all, ther is a chance that a student who wanted to learn something will be unable to do so because I am a crappy teacher. After coming home from a long day where al the worst of possibles have happened I will come back to this computer and know that I made a place where students want to come to. That I made an environment and a culture in my classroom that is at the least pleasant, even encouraging, but definitely safe. The wall of discouraging thoughts are one of those unfortunate little troubles of my overactive mind.